This is my third attempt at this post this morning. I’m long overdue on keeping everyone up to date and I give myself a hard time about it. So I sit down to write a simple post and …. well now I remember why I’ve waited so long to make a post. I sit at the computer, find that sitting like this is a tad painful, and I ramble on and on and on about crap no one cares about but me.

The bottom line is without Gary here to tell me to cut it out, there’s no one for me to bounce ideas off of or to wrangle me in. He was an excellent handler. We made a wonderful team.

There there are a few things missing in my home that I took for granted, not even knowing it was there to take for granted in the first place. Gary and I created our own little world. Inside the bubble that was us, we were safe and we had all we needed. The bubble popped and I discovered I’m utterly alone and isolated in a desert long from my home with no way to return.

The volume and laughter are gone.
Gary was always making noise. singing, laughing, making cartoon noises, talking to the dogs, and talking to himself. He would get mad when I wouldn’t answer right away, yet I’m still sitting there, book in hand, trying, in the back of my mind, to sort out … “is he really talking to me this time or not?”. I never got through to him that all he had to do to get my attention was walk up and hug me, or say something like “Randy!” and waiting to be sure I’m paying attention before asking the question. No…He liked yelling instead…”Why don’t you ever listen to me! You never listen to anything I say!” to which I say “Well duh…. I tuned you out years ago!”. which is only partly true.

Ok, this blog is well on its way to being as long as the others. My point is that I am still in Tucson and unable to leave. Every time I make plans to get away from here, something comes up to prevent me from leaving. This time I set a solid date. I was going to leave on Wednesday afternoon, reguardless, and spent the rest of my time prepping to leave. Tuesday morning was wonderful. I woke feeling the best I had in a long time. I got a lot done in anticipation of finally heading home. By 2pm I started to feel like crap and by 4pm I had a 102 fever. The fever persisted until Friday. I’ve had daily fevers for over a year but this was something different. it scared me. Illness does not frighten me, so it had to be serious if I’m getting scared by it. The first night I had sensations I’ve only experienced on bad drug trips. I was frightened but the idea of going to ER was worse, so I stayed home and waited it out. No sooner had I thought of maybe going to ER , flashbacks of Gary dying in that ER flew before my eyes. Some of the worst elements of that night, which have haunted me since, kept repeating in my minds eye.

It was more than I could take. I drank as much Gatoraid as I could and went to bed to sleep through it, hoping I would be better by morning. This time it drained me of what little energy I had left. I’ve been able to do things by picking at it. one thing at a time. rest an hour. try again.. an exercise in frustration and anger at having been robbed of my health and energy. Fear that I might actually be stranded here for real, unable to get home under my own power. Biggest of all, outraged at having been robbed of the one person in this world I loved more than any other after having been robbed of nearly every friend I’ve ever had. Since the 80’s I have watched so many people die, its surreal. I wanted to put together a memorial for all my friends that I’ve lost over the years. I started gathering their photos and writing small blurbs about each person and their talents when I suddenly realized it had already been done. I realized, with the exception of those who have died in the last 3 years, I was just duplicating the names project.
That in itself is rather disturbing to me. I wanted to make each number back into a real person, who had a life, history, loves, stories of their own. Otherwise it becomes a jumble of just numbers. statistics. When I tell people how much loss I’ve experienced, they tend to wash over it, not quite realizing the significance of what I’m trying to say. Again, I digress. Can you believe I’ve already done this two times before? I have a lot I should have worked through emotionally before trying this post.

Well, my deadline has come and gone. My courage and determination along with it. I felt so defeted and neutured. Independence is something I’ve always thrived on. My relationship with Gary is the only time I’ve ever let anyone inside that private fort knox, that is me. As tight as we were, I still had my independence and became stronger as a leader and embraced myself as a middle aged man. Not an easy task for me, mind you.

Not being able to leave Tucson under my own power, again, and wondering if my health is going to reach a point where I’m unable to leave at all, scared me shitless.
I can’t imagine starting over again with doctors here. it took years to get my doctors in Seattle on the same page. Doctors, when seeing someone new for an ailment they haven’t treated, tend to want to start at the beginning and do their own work-up. Doctors in general, don’t listen to their patients. The thought of going through all that again is nauseating. I don’t know if I can go through that again. The tests are humiliating, difficult, and extremely uncomfortable. I refuse to do them again.

So thats where I’m at right now, for those who are interested and read this. I don’t know who my audience is, so its a little more difficult for me to write as I normally would. writing for my gay friends is very different than writing for my mom. I’m not quite sure where my boundaries are. Most people I know are not easily offended. Now I think on it, they don’t get offended at all. A few in particular, are the ones always doing the offending. Either way, I don’t know who I’m writing to so forgive me if this sounds unbalanced. it is.

I’m not as sick today. Some of my energy has returned. My neighbor reminded me that I did the same thing last month and the month before. Each time its been worse. So now its more important than ever for me to get home and deal with things while the weather is good in Seattle. If I keep improving, at this rate I should be able to start planning to leave again. I even feel a little self confidence returning.

One thing is undeniably clear to me. I have gotten out of the practice of meditating. As a result I find I’m angrier, and feel frightened by the nightly news. I take on too many of the worlds problems as if they were mine to solve. I feel as if everyone around me is my responsibility. I keep piling on the weight on my shoulders while peace and forgiveness slide out the other side. This has to stop. Of all the times in my life I’ve needed meditation, its been now. Instead I’ve floundered.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I try to discern the best course of action for myself and figure out exactly what it is I want to be doing. Keep me in your prayers as I resolve my travel situation. The main thing trapping me here is my health. If I can get a small window of feeling ok enough to drive, thats all I need to get home.

Believe it or not, this isn’t nearly as long a rant as the fist two attempts. Good Lord this is a long post. I seem to be unable to write anything under 1200 words.