I don’t know why i feel I must keep posting to this site. I suppose I need to for an outlet even if no one ever really see’s my words. There’s always a slim hope that something I say will some day pop up in google and help someone I don’t know. So I post.

Today was hard. Very hard. I felt very close to a breakdown.

I was shaking so bad when I dialed the phone to reach Aleksa I could barely hold on to it.  There are really only two or three people I feel that I really am close to. I love everyone in my life but there are very few I let in to my inner wall. One is in Kentucky. The other in Austin, and one I consider my Obiwan in Dallas.  None of them I can reach today. None of them in a position to drop everything and come to my side.  My dad would in a heartbeat but I have a void and a side of me only another gay man can recognize and truely  understand.  Its one of those deeply personal things that drives me to rage when I hear some right wing idiot spouting off about “gay agenda’s” and crap that only makes sense to a fearful feverred mind and has no basis in any reality I know.  I have to laugh when i hear them talking about gays recruiting the young and other crap they made up because its projection pure and simple. After all, isn’t that what the church does? preys on the weak and the young who don’t know any better. Don’t know to ask questions.  I remember being told having an open mind invited in the devel. what a wonderful way to scare a person into listening only to you.

I can’t seem to even mention that without ranting on it, that is how deep the wound inflicted on me by so called “Christians”.  I can’t look at them without feeling anger. The abuse I suffered at the hands of my uncle pales in comparison to the abuse I suffered at the hands of “gods people”.

So I digress.

For the second time since Gary died I felt afraid to be alone. I don’t know what I feared other than my own out of control pain over his loss. I still can’t belive he is gone. a part of me refuses to accept the fact that he’s died. Its hard to even say that word in the same breath as his name.  I pray some day I will come to accept this and heal. For now, I cry and howl and feel the pain of no longer having the one in my life who I talked with and laughed with every single day.  Now I’m alone and that scared me today so badly I called the only two people who live close enough and who could drop everything today to come and be with me.

I ended up taking a pill to calm me down so that by the time they arrived I was a zombied out mess.  I still feel very tired and weak and on the constant verge of tears, but at least I can function now.

I don’t know why I post this tonight other than to have some record that I was here and this is what I felt. That the love I shared with Gary was magical. More than most I know and on par with any of those self rightious bigots who claim our relationship isn’t worth being considered equial to theres. I Hope they never have to experience a pain like this. Perhaps they never love as we did and avoid the anquish I’m in right now.  I know my parents have a love like this and I know a lot of other couples, who make it past that early period of learning to trust each other and communicate, who find in each other a soulmate and best friend. An extension of themselves. The sad reality is unless they both end their lives in some tragic fire or crash, one of them must suffer the kind of pain I’m suffering now.

When I see shows of the people who lived before us and the rituals they had around death, I understand it now. When I see a show where a character becomes a villian over the anguish of loosing a mate, I know the why of that.  If I had the means I’d become a villian tomorrow if I thought it would bring me closure and an end to my pain or the fantacy of bringing him back to me.

I realized today that the reason I’ve not felt Gary leave as I have so many others I’ve been with when they died is that Gary is doing what I would do in the same situation. Refusing to leave. I wouldn’t leave until I knew without a shadow of a doubt that he would be ok without me. I know thats what he’s doing right now. He can’t talk to me, or at least hasn’t figured it out yet… but he’s there. I lives in me just as he did when we held hands. I cant physically touch him but his spirit is still one with my own and he waits on me to say its ok, or to join him.

It doesn’t make it any easier. not one fucking bit.