Gary J Tenace

Memorial Fund:

Any Bank of America Branch Account #40228330, Gary Tenace Memorial Fund

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I got a card in the mail today postmarked the day before the fever came. I opened it knowing that it was from his hand. He had sent it as an act of pure love for me, no idea that he would be going home to God 24 hours later.

It was a voice from him from beyond and it tore my heart out of my chest, the pain of missing him is so vast and deep as the heavens themselves.

For fourteen years Gary and I have loved, shared, laughed, and played. He brought laughter and color into my life.

I can barely grasp that he is gone. I don’t want to let him go. I keep hoping that tomorrow I will wake up and the nightmare will be over and he will be making my breakfast as he always did, making his silly songs and dances all the while.

What I wouldn’t give for one more minute with him right now. Just to hold him and say “I love you”, and him to say “Get off me! I’m hot!”. It was our way. We were a team. We moved in sync and together we danced. He was a gift of God to me and gave me a reason to live when I didn’t have one any longer. He helped me heal, and I helped him heal. That was our way.

Saturday night (April 26th), 3am, I lost him. He left this world unexpectedly and unwillingly. He didn’t want to leave me behind any more than I wanted to let him go, but we know that in the end, there is a reason for it all. Every day in our lives together was a miracle of some kind or other, so to stop believing now would be ludicrous. The reason for such a huge sacrifice is beyond my ability to grasp, but I don’t doubt it is there. It gives me comfort to know he is in Gods hands now, watching over me and those he loved.

Gary had a way about him. Anyone who got to know him fell for him just as I did and he never could understand why. We know. That is all that matters.

Gary, my soul mate, I will forever miss you until the day I come running back into your arms and you will hold me…only for a moment…and then say “Get off me! I’m hot!”. That will be the day I feel complete again.

Papabear

SAAF Volunteer Appreciation Dinner. April 21st, 2009 (Gary on the Left, Randy in Red on the Right)

What Happened?

As of May 4th, the official cause of death is “acute respiratory failure due to pneumonia with sepsis syndrome”
My doctor said it this way:

The bug cultured from his lungs was Klebsiella pneumoniae, a common cause of severe pneumonias. No evidence was found of the fungus that causes Valley Fever. It sounds like Gary died of an overwhelming, rapidly progressing pneumonia. It does not seem to have been anything else or anything you could have done earlier to have things turned out differently.

Some dark clouds

I had a thought. Gary and I fought to have a normal life in spite of having to fight tooth and nail to just be left the hell alone. Some people in this country feel its their obligation to pass laws about our relationship with each other and it makes me angry. I thought of the two times we danced on a cruise and everyone left the dancefloor and most left the club, giving us angry glares. Our love didn’t count in their eyes. And yet, I thought of the amount of time Gary and I spent together. Most people spend only a few hours a day together in their marrages. Some are even strangers to each other raising kids in awkward silence. Even if you factor in the years I worked too many long hours, we still spent the first and last part of our life together 24 / 7 / 360.  I had my business at home and later we were disabled together for six years.  Our 14 years comes to something like 38 years if you factor in that most married couples spend at most six hours a day together, and thats being very generous. I know one guy I worked with who was lucky to spend that much at home in a week.  Compared to his life, Gary and I would have been together 56 years.  The point is, those people who are so willing to force us to hide have little right to call ours something to be despised when we rarely fought and, in the words of a friend, were like a salt and pepper shaker. we complimented each other.

This is important right now because some in Gary’s family are trying to repress that Gary had me for a partner and wants to pretend he was something he wasn’t. He fought hard to have a life he could be proud of and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let people burry it in his passing.  I have a warning for those folks. I’m coming to Detroit and there’s not going to be any secrets, no matter how much you act ashamed of him. I wasn’t ashamed of him and he wasn’t ashamed of himself. His sisters and I want the world to know who he really was and how happy he was.  That is nothing to be hidden and pretend didn’t happen. We cleared dance floors in life, we’re going to clear a church hall if I have my way.

A heartfelt Thank You

I am overwhelmed with gratitude for all of you who took the time and effort to go into a bank branch and donate to the memorial fund. The bank only recorded the deposits so I have no way of knowing who gave. This means I can’t say thank you to each of you individually as you deserve and have to be satisfied with sending out a blanket “thank you” in email or on this website instead.  I am so grateful for all of you. Donations from $5 to $1000 have added up and will mean that I am nearly able to pay for Gary’s cremation costs.  Without your help this would have been impossible. The funeral home, Funeraria Del Angel in Tucson, gave me deep discounts on the cost of the funeral.  They went out of their way to help me say goodbye to my Gary and I will be eternally grateful to them. I never expected to leave the funeral home with new friends.

I have no way of knowing who has helped me behind the scenes. Some took time out of their busy lives to walk into a branch to make a donation, some have written very kind and supportive letters, some have prayed for me, and all have been here for me when I needed you the most.

These are hard times for all of us. The fact so many are willing to help me in a time when money is very tight for most of us, and time is tight for all of us, says a lot about your love for Gary and myself. I can’t thank you enough.

There are so many people who deserve recognition that I fear attempting to list them here would mean my omitting some by accident. The list is very long. I am tempted to mention a few names but I know it would embarrass them if I did. One in particular I will risk embarrassing because without her help, I would not have a car, Sophie wouldn’t be able to walk, and I wouldn’t have been able to get through the loss of Gary.

Papabear (Randy)